Im new at this...

I have had mixed feelings about writing a blog for lots of reasons- first I am NO writer, my grammar is not the best (so please don't expect much) :). Second, Im a little nervous about how many thousands of people will read about our lives. And third, I don't want this to become the only avenue people use to stay updated on our journey. We know that we will need LOTS of prayer, and lots of encouragement. Adoption is a very emotional process. And we want to talk to you!!

Adoption has been a weighted burden placed on my heart since I was young. I remember trying to convince my parents to be a foster family as a young girl. (They thought I was crazy, they probably still think that :)). In college I worked as an intake coordinator for Bethany and talked with families inquiring about adoption. I spend many hours reading different country requirements, fees, and also adoption stories. For whatever reason, I was REALLY drawn to China. Dan and I have talked about adoption for a long time and always agreed it would be something we would pursue someday. About 3 years ago we began inquiring about the process. We knew we didn't meet the age requirements for China, and we had also been told we most likely would not qualify because of my scoliosis. So we compromised with Korea (since we met the requirements there, and it seemed like the closest thing to China). I went into the adoption process very clearly wanting a girl. I really wanted Aviela to have a sister (especially since I never had one). The social worker told us that Korea would not let us specify gender and that we had to be open to either genders. So I reluctantly agreed, but really believed God would give us a girl. We finished our homestudy, lots of paperwork, fingerprints, 6 months of waiting, and then our REFERRAL. It was a boy! I was not shocked because while we were waiting I had talked with another social worker with our agency who told me how the referrals were getting matched. I got used to the idea, the kids were excited, and it seemed normal. So we accepted, paid the remaining fees, and started getting ready for our new little boy. About one month after we got the referral, we found out that I was pregnant. We didn't know what to do, but we did know we signed a document that said we would notify our agency with changes to our family. We decided to tell them, knowing that we might possibly lose the referral. They had many meetings, and waffled back and forth for a few weeks until they decided to pull our referral. This precious little boy who we named, began planning for, were emotionally attached to-quickly became not ours. It was horrible! We were all heartbroken. I struggled a lot with the pregnancy in the beginning. It didn't seem right, or possible, WHY? What it came down to, was that I was being selfish. God gave me another biological child (something some families struggle to experience), but somehow that tangible asian face seemed more real. Dan knew right away we were having a girl. He told me one night when I was so upset, that he thought God was going to give us the girl my heart desired. At 20 weeks we found out it was a girl!!!  God really does know the desires of your heart. Even amidst the tears and pain, He had a bigger, perfect plan! I was the one who had a hard time letting go. Azalia Kate was born July 5, 2011. Her name means "reserved by God." I really believe God gave her to us at just the perfect time!

We enjoyed the first year of her life, but then began talking again about the "adoption thing." It was still a huge burden, but I was scared to be so emotionally, and financially vulnerable again. So we checked out foster care, and just when we thought we were almost licensed- God shut that door. Foster care seemed so easy- we had lots of freedom to "pick" the children we would foster, made adoption cheaper, and we had no obligations. Still in love with China, I reread the requirements. I felt like Scoliosis was a gray area so I emailed three agencies. To my surprise they all responded with very positive comments. I was encouraged. Dan and I talked it over and decided to check it out.

In January we submitted our formal application to CCAI (Chinese Children Adoption International), we were approved. CCAI believes that with a letter from a doctor my Scoliosis will not be a problem. YAY!! Since the approval of our formal application we have been working on our dossier documents (which is quite a process), and we finished all our homestudy meetings. Right now our social worker is finishing up writing our homestudy. I can't wait to have that document in our hands!! We gathered all our dossier documents, got them notarized, now they are at the secretary of state to get certified, from there they go to the Chinese embassy in Chicago to get authenticated, and from there to our agency to get reviewed and translated... then to China.  I think that we could have all of our paperwork to China by the end of the summer/ early fall. After that happens we get a "Log in Date" or LID, with a LID we will have lots more flexibility on picking a child. Its just amazing how God changes your heart, last time I clearly preferred a girl, this time a male. :) We have chosen the "waiting child," program and will get to pick a child with minor/ correctable needs.

During the adoption process the last time I felt very impatient and would get frustrated with the "hang ups", but this time I feel more relaxed. I am trying to enjoy the "waiting" time. This time the "hang ups" just give us more time to save money. I have been trying to sell "stuff." It feels really good to get rid of old toys. I had a really hard time pulling out the bins and bins of the kids clothes to sell though. Since we will not get an infant, there is plenty we will not need. I realized that I was very emotionally attached to their clothes. They are tangible memories. :) I had to tell myself that the memories are in my heart and head and the precious asian face will be worth more then any piece of cloth. I have also been working a ton of extra hours this week alone I worked 36 extra hrs (on top of my normal shifts). Its been fun to be at work, but the balance has been stressful.  The last couple days I started to notice the kids were missing my presence. When Im home most of the time, the chaos of 3 kids seems manageable, managing my schedule, their schedules, and house work has been overwhelming to me lately. I know its temporary and it will all be worth it, and that keeps me positive.

Keep us in your prayers. Prayers that things go smoothly, for finances, and that we will be able to manage being the parents we want to be with everything we are juggling.

Blessings
Jen